Greetings Gentlemen,
I was unsure if I should actually write this, but like the bulk of my decisions in fantasy last year, I flipped a coin and obeyed without hesitation. As all of you are aware, my house for the past year has been occupied by a mentally handicapped dildo due to my team losing in the shit bracket. Needless to say, it hasn’t been a fun experience. When I first brought this abomination home, my dad, who was excited that I was finally taking an interest in watching sports, wouldn’t talk to me for a week. After the silence was broken, his first and only word was “why?”
Why indeed. Why did this happen? What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? Was this inevitable from the beginning? And most importantly, where the hell did these guys actually find this gay little knickknack? Who bought it? And what are the chances they bought a second one that they use nightly?
My guess for that last question is high. The rest, however, required deeper contemplation. I started questioning the true cause for my season ending so terribly. In the end, I came to several conclusions. The first being that I was deceived by you guys. You see, I was informed that fantasy football was a game of strategy when it clearly is not. “But Coburn you gorgeous moron,” I hear you all say, “there is plenty of strategy involved in fantasy. For I, myself, spend countless hours planning the perfect tactics for my fantasy team to employ.” Yeah that’s complete bullshit. The essence of true strategy is to be able to have control over your resources and assets, having the chance to improve them where necessary and make changes where needed. That said, this could be loosely applied to fantasy as you do have some control over your team and the players on it and change it week to week. However, that’s the extent of your control. You don’t have any say on which players will actually see game time IRL and for how long. And I was told that this is just something I’m going to have to accept as in real football there are things you can’t control, such as the quarterback you’ve built your entire team around breaking his collarbone, forcing you to change your entire team dynamic around that. That said, there could easily be things you should be able to control when you just simply cannot. For instance, going back to the quarterback analogy, when Aaron Rodgers got hilariously and brutally injured last season, the Packers didn’t play the rest of the game without a quarterback, they brought in a replacement (albeit not the best one) to finish out the game. The Packers faced a setback and they adapted in the same moment. They didn’t have to wait an entire damn week to fix a problem when they have a bench full of capable individuals to step up. I repeat my claim, fantasy football does not involve strategy. To further my point, I’d compare fantasy to roulette. There are hundreds who claim there is strategy to roulette and the arguments are worth hearing. Still, the fact remains that it’s a game where you really don’t have control. The best you could do is make decisions to increase your odds. But when the croupier (the term for the guy who runs the roulette table) declares “all bets are final,” you are rendered powerless as you pray to God Almighty that you made the right choices. It’s not strategy, it’s gambling. And contrary to popular belief, the two are very seperate things.
The second cause I considered for my misfortune was the league itself and the members in it. Speaking honestly, the real reason I joined the league in the first place was because I thought it’d be a nice casual activity and a good way of staying in touch with people I knew in high school. I was completely unprepared for the cult like obsession over a simple hobby. And that’s a statement coming from a comic fan. There was a noticeable gap in both experience and interest that clearly affected my performance. Still, I tried my best to adapt to the intensity, but had little to no success. But honestly, I’m not sure why I expected different. After all, I share this league with a loud mouth Napoleon complex, a man who seems to do everything in his power to look like a douchebag, an individual that I will probably always compare to a hobbit, a man who I have frequently called boring to his face, and a cluster fuck of other two dimensional characters whose personalities are so generic that I honestly can’t tell you guys apart. No seriously, when you guys post in the chat, I often have a hard time figuring out who’s actually talking because you are all basically the same person. So naturally you’d all be fantastic at this given that this is probably the only thing the majority of you do all year that gives you any sort of personality.
The third reason I thought of was that I was dealing with too much shit in my life at the time. When the season began, I was starting my third attempt at college, had part time job, and looking for a company who would train me. On top of that, my parents were pushing charity work on me because of course they were. Then add the fact that my other hobbies and interests are just as demanding, and I’m extremely procupided. Fantasy took this natural backburner position that I’d check on once a week and make adjustments during the few dull moments I had. It was the furthest thing from a priority and I will fight the man who could blame me for it.
I’ve considered all these reasons and more for the past year, constantly arguing with myself over what was true and what wasn’t. It wasn’t until three months ago that my mentor enlightened me with a peace of wisdom that really stuck with me. He was telling me about the ins and outs of the trade and how a lot of my coworkers operate. And he was using this one guy by the name of Byron as an example. See, Byron made a lot of mistakes, but he never seemed to learn from them. Instead he would insist that it must have been someone else who sabotaged him. Anyway, my mentor looks at me and says “Listen kid, when an idiot makes a mistake, he’ll blame others for his shortcomings. When a wise man makes a mistake, he’ll accept the blame and learn from it. And I usually find it hard to tolerate idiots.” That really stuck with me. Eventually I applied this to fantasy. It was then that I looked in a mirror and had my final epiphany; this failure was because of me and only me. Maybe I could have put a little more effort into my team, maybe I could have done more research, maybe I could have made better trades. Honestly there are plenty of things I could have done differently.
Once I accepted this, I had to decide what happened next. Admittedly, there was a part of me that strongly considered quitting. Then I thought, what the hell would that actually do? What kind of pussy walks away after a single failure? That is complete bullshit I want no part of it. I have no intention of walking away with my tail between my legs as bunch dildo licking shit eaters shake their heads and agree this was bound to happen.
See I’ve been thinking a lot about my role in this league. I mean, out of all you guys, I’m clearly the outlyer. And let's all be honest, the reason you invited me into this league is for one of two reasons. Either you wanted an easy target or you guys really couldn’t find any other decent candidates. I’m guessing it’s the latter. That said, I think we can all agree that I could have done worse. Yeah, I got the dick trophy, but I went 6-7 and there are several teams with worse records than me last year. I mean Jacob ended 3-10 and traded away a decent part of his team in the process and somehow I get more shit than he does. And while at a glance it all makes too much sense that I would come in last place because everyone in the league doubted my potential, I still managed to win a few games which I’m told is more than what was expected of me. And that good sirs is my prolonged purpose in this league. I am the force of chaos in your otherwise simple and predictable lives.
So I have decided to stick around, but there’s something you all should know. My continued participation in this league isn’t for pleasure or for personal glory or even for respect from you jackasses. Those are things I know I won’t obtain from any of you. I am simply continuing out of spite. I am continuing because I know I’m expected to give up and walk away and I have no intention of giving you bastards the satisfaction. I probably won’t enjoy myself this season, hell I might hate every damn minute of it. But if I get the chance to drag one of you ball fondeling cockholes through the dirt, then I will do so with an honest to God smile on my face.
I’m not naive. I won’t make threats I can’t deliver on. I’m not gonna say you all should fear my team or that I’ll go undefeated this year or that I’ll be a championship winner anytime soon. But know this. I am pissed and I will be facing each and every last one of you cum guzzling taint sniffers with all the resentment I am capable of. So please, keep doubting and underestimating me. It’ll just feel that much better when I finally break your legs and drag you into hell. So shove that up your ass and moan, all of you simplistic condescending sons of bitches. Now to close this with one of my favorite quotes from this best selling book I’ve been reading. “Do not assume that I have come to bring peace to the earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword.” (Matthew 10:34)
Hoping you all get fucked with an AIDS infested dildo,
Andrew Coburn, Owner of The Beef
I was unsure if I should actually write this, but like the bulk of my decisions in fantasy last year, I flipped a coin and obeyed without hesitation. As all of you are aware, my house for the past year has been occupied by a mentally handicapped dildo due to my team losing in the shit bracket. Needless to say, it hasn’t been a fun experience. When I first brought this abomination home, my dad, who was excited that I was finally taking an interest in watching sports, wouldn’t talk to me for a week. After the silence was broken, his first and only word was “why?”
Why indeed. Why did this happen? What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? Was this inevitable from the beginning? And most importantly, where the hell did these guys actually find this gay little knickknack? Who bought it? And what are the chances they bought a second one that they use nightly?
My guess for that last question is high. The rest, however, required deeper contemplation. I started questioning the true cause for my season ending so terribly. In the end, I came to several conclusions. The first being that I was deceived by you guys. You see, I was informed that fantasy football was a game of strategy when it clearly is not. “But Coburn you gorgeous moron,” I hear you all say, “there is plenty of strategy involved in fantasy. For I, myself, spend countless hours planning the perfect tactics for my fantasy team to employ.” Yeah that’s complete bullshit. The essence of true strategy is to be able to have control over your resources and assets, having the chance to improve them where necessary and make changes where needed. That said, this could be loosely applied to fantasy as you do have some control over your team and the players on it and change it week to week. However, that’s the extent of your control. You don’t have any say on which players will actually see game time IRL and for how long. And I was told that this is just something I’m going to have to accept as in real football there are things you can’t control, such as the quarterback you’ve built your entire team around breaking his collarbone, forcing you to change your entire team dynamic around that. That said, there could easily be things you should be able to control when you just simply cannot. For instance, going back to the quarterback analogy, when Aaron Rodgers got hilariously and brutally injured last season, the Packers didn’t play the rest of the game without a quarterback, they brought in a replacement (albeit not the best one) to finish out the game. The Packers faced a setback and they adapted in the same moment. They didn’t have to wait an entire damn week to fix a problem when they have a bench full of capable individuals to step up. I repeat my claim, fantasy football does not involve strategy. To further my point, I’d compare fantasy to roulette. There are hundreds who claim there is strategy to roulette and the arguments are worth hearing. Still, the fact remains that it’s a game where you really don’t have control. The best you could do is make decisions to increase your odds. But when the croupier (the term for the guy who runs the roulette table) declares “all bets are final,” you are rendered powerless as you pray to God Almighty that you made the right choices. It’s not strategy, it’s gambling. And contrary to popular belief, the two are very seperate things.
The second cause I considered for my misfortune was the league itself and the members in it. Speaking honestly, the real reason I joined the league in the first place was because I thought it’d be a nice casual activity and a good way of staying in touch with people I knew in high school. I was completely unprepared for the cult like obsession over a simple hobby. And that’s a statement coming from a comic fan. There was a noticeable gap in both experience and interest that clearly affected my performance. Still, I tried my best to adapt to the intensity, but had little to no success. But honestly, I’m not sure why I expected different. After all, I share this league with a loud mouth Napoleon complex, a man who seems to do everything in his power to look like a douchebag, an individual that I will probably always compare to a hobbit, a man who I have frequently called boring to his face, and a cluster fuck of other two dimensional characters whose personalities are so generic that I honestly can’t tell you guys apart. No seriously, when you guys post in the chat, I often have a hard time figuring out who’s actually talking because you are all basically the same person. So naturally you’d all be fantastic at this given that this is probably the only thing the majority of you do all year that gives you any sort of personality.
The third reason I thought of was that I was dealing with too much shit in my life at the time. When the season began, I was starting my third attempt at college, had part time job, and looking for a company who would train me. On top of that, my parents were pushing charity work on me because of course they were. Then add the fact that my other hobbies and interests are just as demanding, and I’m extremely procupided. Fantasy took this natural backburner position that I’d check on once a week and make adjustments during the few dull moments I had. It was the furthest thing from a priority and I will fight the man who could blame me for it.
I’ve considered all these reasons and more for the past year, constantly arguing with myself over what was true and what wasn’t. It wasn’t until three months ago that my mentor enlightened me with a peace of wisdom that really stuck with me. He was telling me about the ins and outs of the trade and how a lot of my coworkers operate. And he was using this one guy by the name of Byron as an example. See, Byron made a lot of mistakes, but he never seemed to learn from them. Instead he would insist that it must have been someone else who sabotaged him. Anyway, my mentor looks at me and says “Listen kid, when an idiot makes a mistake, he’ll blame others for his shortcomings. When a wise man makes a mistake, he’ll accept the blame and learn from it. And I usually find it hard to tolerate idiots.” That really stuck with me. Eventually I applied this to fantasy. It was then that I looked in a mirror and had my final epiphany; this failure was because of me and only me. Maybe I could have put a little more effort into my team, maybe I could have done more research, maybe I could have made better trades. Honestly there are plenty of things I could have done differently.
Once I accepted this, I had to decide what happened next. Admittedly, there was a part of me that strongly considered quitting. Then I thought, what the hell would that actually do? What kind of pussy walks away after a single failure? That is complete bullshit I want no part of it. I have no intention of walking away with my tail between my legs as bunch dildo licking shit eaters shake their heads and agree this was bound to happen.
See I’ve been thinking a lot about my role in this league. I mean, out of all you guys, I’m clearly the outlyer. And let's all be honest, the reason you invited me into this league is for one of two reasons. Either you wanted an easy target or you guys really couldn’t find any other decent candidates. I’m guessing it’s the latter. That said, I think we can all agree that I could have done worse. Yeah, I got the dick trophy, but I went 6-7 and there are several teams with worse records than me last year. I mean Jacob ended 3-10 and traded away a decent part of his team in the process and somehow I get more shit than he does. And while at a glance it all makes too much sense that I would come in last place because everyone in the league doubted my potential, I still managed to win a few games which I’m told is more than what was expected of me. And that good sirs is my prolonged purpose in this league. I am the force of chaos in your otherwise simple and predictable lives.
So I have decided to stick around, but there’s something you all should know. My continued participation in this league isn’t for pleasure or for personal glory or even for respect from you jackasses. Those are things I know I won’t obtain from any of you. I am simply continuing out of spite. I am continuing because I know I’m expected to give up and walk away and I have no intention of giving you bastards the satisfaction. I probably won’t enjoy myself this season, hell I might hate every damn minute of it. But if I get the chance to drag one of you ball fondeling cockholes through the dirt, then I will do so with an honest to God smile on my face.
I’m not naive. I won’t make threats I can’t deliver on. I’m not gonna say you all should fear my team or that I’ll go undefeated this year or that I’ll be a championship winner anytime soon. But know this. I am pissed and I will be facing each and every last one of you cum guzzling taint sniffers with all the resentment I am capable of. So please, keep doubting and underestimating me. It’ll just feel that much better when I finally break your legs and drag you into hell. So shove that up your ass and moan, all of you simplistic condescending sons of bitches. Now to close this with one of my favorite quotes from this best selling book I’ve been reading. “Do not assume that I have come to bring peace to the earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword.” (Matthew 10:34)
Hoping you all get fucked with an AIDS infested dildo,
Andrew Coburn, Owner of The Beef